I miss having a lot of time for myself. I miss being able to do whatever I want and not worry about getting all my school work done or my GPA. Its sad. I really miss all of that. But I know I cannot go back to that life. This is my life now. My life of the University of Michigan. My life of long nights of homework and lonely weeks of my room, my desk and my brain. I am sick of racing for the right answer and not understand the process. I'm so sick of cramming for weeks for an exam only to get the class average of 10/30. I am sad that I'm not above average any more. I am just the same as everyone else. We are all smart, but not I'm not very smart compared to them. I'm just average(as my grades reflect).
I just can't wait for the day when I can feel above average again. I feel like the next time that will happen is when I get a decent job. But at that job I will probably still feel below average and feel stupid. So I believe that the next time I will feel above average and smart is when/if I attend my 5 year high school reunion. I will be able to tell everyone I have made it. I am an electrical engineer and I am smart and above the average stupid degrees they got. I'm an engineer.
But what if that doesn't happen. If that doesn't happen... well I'm just not going to think about that. It will happen... I will get a job. And I will be an Electrical Engineer(whatever that is) haha.
I'm still thinking about Wednesday night. Seeing Martin in that doorway. Does he have it better than me? Is he happy? I'm stressed. I'm confused about my future. I don't know what's going to happen in a year. He does. He knows that life is just like it's always been and why would he want to change it. Its easy he can go out on Wednesday nights and have a good time with his friends. Even tho people look at this group of people he surrounds himself with and thinks down on them, they are still happy. He doesn't care. He's happy. He's not stressed...
Yet I have to keep telling myself that my life will (someday) be happy, carefree, and better than his. I will be a better person and I will have the life I want right now. My life will be worth it and so much more appreciated. I have worked so much for this life and when I get it, I think I will appreciate it more.
I just have to keep telling myself this. I really do.
I just miss being young, and full of life and curiosity. I miss not having to worry about every aspect of my life. Money, bills, school, friends, family, life in general. I don't think I ever worried about that stuff when I was younger. I really don't. And I don't know when it started to happen. When did i start to worry about all this stuff? I don't know I can remember not worrying. Ugg.. I just have to keep my head above the surface. I really do.
Keep kicking....
Hi, So life has been.
I'm sick of schooling and so ready to move on and get a job and move. I'm done staying up late and doing homework and getting my ass kicked by the electrical engineering department at the University of Michigan. It makes me feel useless...
Tony asked me to marry him on November 1st 2008. It was sweet, we were in Borders after a whole day of him dragging me everywhere and then he just asked me there. It was super sweet and I'm SOOOO happy and excited for getting married and pretty much just spending the rest of my life with him. Honestly. He's perfect and I have known since 8th grade that the was going to be the boy that I will marry :-)
So right now I'm in sweet old Swartz Creek for Thanksgiving with the Fam and stuff. Last night Tony and I went out with Becca, Mal, Cade and some other people to the Loft in Flint. It was shaddy but where in Flint isn't shaddy. haha. So it was whatever. Sorta fun. Just as I was feeling good and happy and thinking "this place is alright" someone walks in.... Martin Wenn. I haven't seen him since McDonalds back in my Senior Year of High School. I really almost puked. Honestly I can't even explain to you how I felt. I was sorta excited but more mortified that our paths had crossed again. Last I knew he was in some other state working for the Carnival. (or in Jail). And there he was... standing in the doorway look at me. I don't think he really made eye contact with me because he said nothing and walked away. I went and found Tony and let him know he was there. Martin was standing behind me at this time ordering a drink. I heard his voice again... it was so weird I can't even explain it to you.
Martin was a defining point in my life. I felt like I grew up really fast when I met him. He was the real deal. Real life bad boy. Never in my life had I met someone who was like him. Bad and didn't care. And he was in love with me. It was very flattering and I wanted to make sure that I hooked him in for a while so that I could come to work everyday and be flattered. It was really a bad idea on my part because he soon became very stalkerish and weird. And then I left for college and figured I would never see him again.
I really had forgotten about him until last night happened. He walked in that room and high school flooded back to me. I felt young and weird. Very strange. I almost puked. I'm so glad he didn't notice me. I don't need that in my life. I don't know how I would have even reacted to him had he said something to me. I probably would have been an idiot. I'm so lame. But who cares how i would have acted in front of him. Honestly he's a low life loser. He looked SOOOO bad. It was weird because I'm sure he looked the same when I had a crush on him.. i'm sure he was the same person then as he is now, but... he looked SOOO horrible.
I guess it just made me realize a lot. I'm a whole different class as him. I'm above him... as bad as that sounds. I really am. I go to a very good engineering school, I'm pretty smart, I have a good future, I am engaged and very content with my "good girl" life. And then there's Martin, he has a very lengthly criminal record, he does drugs(I'm guessing), he looks like hell, and has no future a head of him and probably a nice set of STD's. Yet for some reason... there we were both in that club room that same night. Who would have thought.
I just feel so weird and old and very very excited about MY life and MY future. I guess I needed that. It made me want school and want to be better. It made me realize that my future is bright if I just keep pushing through this last year. Just a bit longer and I will be an electrical engineer. I will be the wife of Anthony William Simpson and I will be successful.
I needed that.
