Post Grad

I miss having a lot of time for myself. I miss being able to do whatever I want and not worry about getting all my school work done or my GPA. Its sad. I really miss all of that. But I know I cannot go back to that life. This is my life now. My life of the University of Michigan. My life of long nights of homework and lonely weeks of my room, my desk and my brain. I am sick of racing for the right answer and not understand the process. I'm so sick of cramming for weeks for an exam only to get the class average of 10/30. I am sad that I'm not above average any more. I am just the same as everyone else. We are all smart, but not I'm not very smart compared to them. I'm just average(as my grades reflect).

I just can't wait for the day when I can feel above average again. I feel like the next time that will happen is when I get a decent job. But at that job I will probably still feel below average and feel stupid. So I believe that the next time I will feel above average and smart is when/if I attend my 5 year high school reunion. I will be able to tell everyone I have made it. I am an electrical engineer and I am smart and above the average stupid degrees they got. I'm an engineer.

But what if that doesn't happen. If that doesn't happen... well I'm just not going to think about that. It will happen... I will get a job. And I will be an Electrical Engineer(whatever that is) haha.

I'm still thinking about Wednesday night. Seeing Martin in that doorway. Does he have it better than me? Is he happy? I'm stressed. I'm confused about my future. I don't know what's going to happen in a year. He does. He knows that life is just like it's always been and why would he want to change it. Its easy he can go out on Wednesday nights and have a good time with his friends. Even tho people look at this group of people he surrounds himself with and thinks down on them, they are still happy. He doesn't care. He's happy. He's not stressed...

Yet I have to keep telling myself that my life will (someday) be happy, carefree, and better than his. I will be a better person and I will have the life I want right now. My life will be worth it and so much more appreciated. I have worked so much for this life and when I get it, I think I will appreciate it more.

I just have to keep telling myself this. I really do.

I just miss being young, and full of life and curiosity. I miss not having to worry about every aspect of my life. Money, bills, school, friends, family, life in general. I don't think I ever worried about that stuff when I was younger. I really don't. And I don't know when it started to happen. When did i start to worry about all this stuff? I don't know I can remember not worrying. Ugg.. I just have to keep my head above the surface. I really do.

Keep kicking....