I think that things are getting better. I'm feeling better. I'm not super stressed out any more. I'm alright with the fact that there are days when I'm on my own down here. In fact I kinda like it. I've always been very independent, and I suppose i was just super excited for him and I to have our life together like I've always dreamed and when it didn't go EXACTLY like i wanted, I sorta freaked. But really the way it is now is super nice. We both have time away from each other and we have a ton of time together during the week and weekend. It is nice.
School is school. I'm sorta scared that next year is my last year and after that i have to make something of myself and haev responsibility for myself. AH
This weekend will be nice hopefully. I think that Tony is going to come down Friday night and if not then he'll probably come down Saturday sometime. Hopefully. But if not then I suppose I can entertain myself for a while.
I just want to go back to being so young and carefree. Heck even go back to freshman year of college. As hard as it was it was still a good time. And i was skinny. hhah. But I know this is my life now. Things will be how they will be and no matter what I will be alright. I know it.
and HOPE
I have quite a bit of stuff to get done. it's crazy. I really enjoy being busy tho. It sorta nice to have stuff to do all the time. I like my life busy.
:)
I'm still so torn up inside. I want this to all go away. I feel like it will get better, but it's gonna take time.
I thought he was going to leave me this weekend. He just didn't seem like he had any love left this weekend. It got better and I did start to feel better but just to feel that horrid feeling of being so close to him just leaving was the worst feeling ever.
I miss him so much. I miss every time he ever smiled at me and was truly in love with me. I want to be that way again. It hurts more than anything I've ever experienced in my life. I felt my body rip and my heart just sink to the floor.
I can't even begin to explain to him how sorry I am. I can't. I really wish I could take everything back. But I can't And I'm just going to have to fix this. I just need some strength. And some time and patients. Things can get better. I know.
I just hope he wants to. I hope he's still in love with me because i love him more than I think I ever did. It almost hurts and make so I can't breathe. I just want everything in our lives to be wonderful.
He needs his space and I need to stop being so pushy. We need our time alone away from each other and I understand this so I'm not going to push my to come here or whatever because He can do whatever he wants. He's an adult. I just want out life together, but I realize he's not totally ready to just pull himself out and move here. He lives here for the better part of the week, but I suppose he wants to some alone time to. I guess that will be good for me too. :(
I want my babenheim back. He'll be back I just need patients.
I wish I wouldn't have screwed up so much. I miss Tony a lot. He didn't call me at all yesterday. Not even a text. And today... nothing. I just miss his voice.
I just hope I didn't ruin everything. I would die if i did. Honestly there would be no reason left to live if he didn't want to be part of my life.
I just want everything to work out and have my life back. I promise I won't pressure him anymore. I won't ask anything more of him that is out of reason like i have been. ug just please let this blow over. I miss my tone.
I am a wreck.
I don't understand why I am suck an horrid person to him. I honestly love him more than anything in the world and I go and treat him like crap. I am the worst person on earth. I hate the way I act and he's too good for me.
I really think that I ruined our entire relationship. If that's the case I really have no reason to continue. I don't even know how to apologize to him and have him know that I really mean it.
I was just so scared. That's no excuse for the way I acted however.
UGGGG. I want him back and I want the old carefree, stress-free me back. :(
Its all done!!! So happy.
Exams last week went well. I am now just riding it out until I move to the new apartment and get spring classes started. SICK.
Today SUCKED. Tony and I came down to Ann Arbor last night after spending some time in Swartz Creek with out families. We were having a great night last night and then finally fell asleep. We we got woken up this morning by his phone ringing off the hook. Turns out he really had to work today because his schedule got all messed up and he got scheduled for a day that he doesn't usually work. So he had to hurry around and leave.
I was totally bummed because I had the whole day planned and what we were gonna do in getting ready to move and just having some down time. But that was sorta ruined by his work calling him. SO the day totally sucked for me. I just sorta realized what a loser I am. I just felt really down about myself all day and didn't really know what to do.
I suppose I could have gone out and done something with my life but I didn't. I just moped around and got some work on my mom's puppy website done. But I just felt like a shit bag all day. I mean I have no friends any more I feel like. I mean I have some friends but I feel like they are all gone. My friends from high school never call me to invite me places any more, but I guess I don't really blame them because I always have to turn them down cause I'm in Ann Arbor. Once in a while I invite them down, but then I had to take away from any free time I have with Tony because i NEVER see him hardly either. I don't know I guess I'm just really bad at balancing people and friendships and ug I hate myself.
I just can't wait to graduate so I don't have to be tied to one place all the fricken time. I mean yeah I'll have a job, but hopefully it won't be the constant nag that school is. School is ALWAYS in the back of my mind. Even now that I am done with classes I am still thinking about the grades that i'm going to get in those classes. Its overwhelming and I want it to stop. I want my life to start.
FML
