I cannot for the life of me get this paper done. I have about 2 of the 10 pages that need to be turned in on Tuesday by five pm. I have changed my topic 3 times. I don't even know what to talk about and its driving me nuts. :( Really I've been trying to force myself to do this all weekend and I can't. I don't really have writers block, I just can't seem to keep myself on the same page and I keep skipping back and forth with ideas and topics. And to top that all off I've found it almost impossible to get sources to back my claims, so they probably aren't even valid. LIFE.
This weekend however has been quite nice. Tony and I got to spend a lot of time together and I just love him so much. I don't know what I would do without him because he is so wonderful and wow. I love that man. I can't wait till like Wednesday because my baben is going to come down and stay at the apartment for a while. These past few weeks we really haven't been home there a lot because I've had class and work and he's been working. And then on his day's off I've been coming home to help my family with various things. So it will be super nice to just get to spend time together. And I don't have class or anything to deal with! :) No responsibilities. FINALLY!
Well I suppose I will get back to this paper, hopefully I can pull some more shit out of my butt and then turn it in and pass the class. I'm taking it pass fail so I really don't care how I do, as long as I get a pass.
Later
-JRA
I'm so happy, today is the last day of summer term classes. I took my final for Anthropology this morning. It was so easy and almost a joke to take. I mean that whole class has been a joke. I can't even believe that it was a college level class. It felt like 7th grade science or something. Nothing about the class was hard or thought provoking. I guess taking engineering classes and math classes for 4 years has made me numb to anything that isn't math or engineering and it makes it easy. So sweet.
Tonight I have my last SOC class. I'm sort of sad about it. I really enjoyed that SOC class. It was fun, people were cool, everyone was eager to discuss whatever we were talking about(even me) and I really started to have a different view on society. But now its over and I'll probably never have a class where I constantly laugh for 2 hours straight and listen to crazy stories of people's intimate lives. Over all it was one of the most cognitively stimulating classes I've taken in college. I really never thought that I'd like the class. Especially from the first day, but I really did come to like it a lot, and now its all over. So one more night of fun and then I really need to buckle down and write my 10 page paper for the class. Its going to blow. But I suppose I don't care that much about the paper because I am taking the class pass/fail and I'm sure I'll do fine and pass the class, even without the paper probably, but I can't just not do it because it would make me feel lazy and like I failed myself in some way.
After class Tony and I are going to go back to Swartz Creek. I'm excited to get back there. See the puppy, help Ryann move to Allendale and then spend the rest of the weekend with my love. He wants to take me to see a movie on Saturday. "The Time Travelers Wife" It looks really good, but I'm pretty sure its going to be very sad. So I cant' wait to cry! haha.
I need to go gather my thoughts for my paper and start looking for some resources. Hopefully this doesn't take that long, I have to have 10 resources for this 10 page paper. SICK I will write later.
-JRA
I have a headache. I'm pretty sure its because I have done NOTHING today. I really feel alright besides that. Usually when I have a day like today, I feel all guilty about it because I didn't get anything accomplished. Well today I haven't gotten anything accomplished and I do not feel one bit ashamed about it. I'm actually happy that I didn't do much of anything today. :) I did watch some TV and laid around thinking about my paper that I have to write. However I haven't really started it, just thought about it. Perhaps I will start that tonight? Doubt it. I really need to get it done one of these days though. 10 pages is going to be pretty hard to pull out of my ass. :(
Tomorrow I'm pretty busy. I have class at 9 to 11, but I don't know if I'm going to go because its a review session. Every test we've taken in the class I've gotten far above average so I'm pretty sure I'm going to fine over all, and plus I really don't feel like this last test is going to be that hard. It does however have a pretty lengthy written essay that we have to do in class. Maybe I should put some thoughts down on paper about it. I mean seeing as the professor gave us the topic question a WEEK before the exam, I'm sure she's going to expect something sort of though out and not just thrown down when I get to class to take the test on Thursday.
See these are the things i COULD have done today, but I didn't and I don't really even feel bad about that. O well. I mean the day is pretty much over so I can't really get the time back.
I think I'm gonna go make some dinner, maybe that's why I have a headache.
later
-JRA
This week is my last week of being productive... at least being required to be productive. Please don't get me wrong, I enjoy being productive. I like getting up in the morning and making my day worth while, however I do not enjoy the productivity that I've been forced to have since June 29th. Summer term classes end on Thursday and then I am on my own until September 8th. can't wait to have some ME time and have time to actually do all the things that I've wanted to do all summer. I really can't wait to have some time to decorate my apartment. However, I have very very little money, pretty much zero dollars, to decorate this place, and every thing that I like costs a lot of money. Looks like I'll be drawing art for my walls on the free newspapers that I get in the mail and hanging them with no frames. Maybe I should just leave my walls white.
This weekend felt like summer. It was hot, we went to my grandma's for dinner, Tony and I smiled, laughed and just were excited to be in the company of each other. It felt like summer. I felt free from responsibility and over all my life felt complete. I just haven't felt like that this summer. I guess its been because I have been working, researching and taking classes. I guess that's what happens. O well. I feel better now.
Speaking of research, our project is going VERY well. We got the serial wireless transmission system to work. Its flawless and beautiful. I never thought that I would call circuit boards beautiful, but really when we saw the messages we were sending show up across the room on the VGA monitor, man that was like the highlight of my entire summer. I felt complete. I have to be the biggest nerd on the face of the plannet... or does that make me a geek? I really don't know the difference between a nerd and a geek? O well. We are now going to get the camera system to work and life should be pretty stellar from there.
I found a job that I NEED. Its working for an engineering firm in Grosse Point and they are being contracted by an automotive company(scary i know), to create a wireless camera system for back up sensors and equipment. Pretty much the same project I've been working on all summer. Its a full time position with the company and they are hiring 12 people to fill the team(all electrical engineers). The position has a very nice salary of 98 to 120K a year dependent on experience and its entry level. So while I fit EVERY aspect of this job, the position starts Immediately and I have a year before I obtain that stupid piece of paper that is my EE degree. Such is life. some day some day.
Well I suppose I am going to take a power nap before I give my tour in the 120 degree humid heat. yippie.
Later
-JRA
So I'm feeling a ton better. Tony and I are having a much better time in our relationship. It's so good. We've been talking more and just have better communication and just overall our relationship has been so much more enjoyable to have. I love it. And I just feel so much better. Its really amazing. I don't feel so crappy and lame all the time. It's great.
Right now I am at home hanging out with the family. Today my mom, Ryann, Pam and I all went to see the movie Julie and Julia. It was so cute and made me want to be a more successful blogger. Some day, some day I will be more committed to my blogging and some day I will be a better writer. But until that day comes, you will just have to edure my horrid skills in the world of blogging and probably my even worse english/spelling/grammer skills. I appologize.
Tomorrow I don't have any MAJOR plans, however I do plan on going to a Goodwill with my mom to see if I can find anything to decorate my apartment. I just feel like my apartment is really bland and boring. So I need to spice things up a bit, make it a place that I feel good to walk into. Not another apartment like last year when I dreaded going home because 1) my crazy roommate, and 2) because the place was constantly messy and just soooo boring looking. So that's my plan for tomorrow.
I suppose I am going to go hang out, watch TV, and do whatever else I feel like doing.
I miss Tony right now cause he's working, but I'm not feeling rejected or down or like he wants me out of his life. I just feel like o well, he's at work and he will be out of work soon.
I will write later.
-JRA
I need to stop over analyzing everything. So we fought, so he likes to do things besides spend every waking minute with me, so we have differences... its probably supposed to be like this. I've been much too clingy lately and I need to lay off. I'm sick of me always causing the fights we get in. In reality I'm sick of myself. The only person that can change me is me, so I'm done. Now I am doing things that make me happy and that doesn't HAVE to include doing things 24/7 and occupying myself. I used to be so much simpler, I used to find joy in just reading a book, or writing a short story. I need to do that again. Or I need to find something else that sparks my interest, like my research project. I really need to focus on that.
We talked, we were scared. With this 4th and final year of college coming up we have started to really hone in on OUR future and how we fight into that together. It is a very scary topic. I don't know what's going to happen with my job placement or where I'm gonna be come this time next year, but I DO know that my relationship with Tony is important and in most cases more important than some stupid job. I mean I really don't have any idea what i want to do, so whatever job i can get will most likely be something that I will enjoy, plus its just a job. So whatever I need to do to keep the love of my life with me, I will do. So I'm currently praying for a job here in Michigan. I know I've said that 'we' want to move to California, but really I don't think either of us really wanted to, we just said that because we thought the other wanted to. Our communication link was not really a link these past few months. So we are reopening that road! :)
That makes me feel better
Thanks
-JRA
Its getting worse. Honestly worse. He's taking MORE shifts this weekend. I know exactly why he's doing this too. Partly because he doesn't want to come down to Ann Arbor to see me, but MOSTLY because he wants to buy a fucking 1000$ handgun for his birthday. He lies too. He always says that he's working extra hours for "us", but I can see right through his fucking lies. He's just working extra so that he can buy himself some stupid gun that I doubt that he'll ever use. He'll buy it just have like all of his other useless guns. He's so childish. I'm so am done being engaged with a child. Its ridiculous. I need someone that can actually "provide" for me. That actually CARES about furthering our relationship.
Sometimes I don't even understand why Tony asked me to marry him, because most of the time I don't even feel like he WANTS to marry me. He would rather work his life away and buy useless things to some how fill some void in his life. Maybe he's gay and all of this is a cover up. I don't even understand. It hurts me more than anything in the world. I want to be with "him" so bad. I want to marry the Tony that was in love with me. The Tony that would honestly do anything for us, and not compromise our relationship for his benefit. I'm SOOO sick of this. I feel like I'm crying over our relationship more than I'm happy about it. Its not supposed to be like this.
I don't want to lose him though. He's my best friend, he's really like my everything. I wouldn't even know how to live my life with out him there. And that's the reason that I ENJOY spending time with him, but I guess I have come to realize that he doesn't really love spending time with me. It hurts so bad.
I don't know what's going to happy with my life.
-JRA
