Its getting worse. Honestly worse. He's taking MORE shifts this weekend. I know exactly why he's doing this too. Partly because he doesn't want to come down to Ann Arbor to see me, but MOSTLY because he wants to buy a fucking 1000$ handgun for his birthday. He lies too. He always says that he's working extra hours for "us", but I can see right through his fucking lies. He's just working extra so that he can buy himself some stupid gun that I doubt that he'll ever use. He'll buy it just have like all of his other useless guns. He's so childish. I'm so am done being engaged with a child. Its ridiculous. I need someone that can actually "provide" for me. That actually CARES about furthering our relationship.
Sometimes I don't even understand why Tony asked me to marry him, because most of the time I don't even feel like he WANTS to marry me. He would rather work his life away and buy useless things to some how fill some void in his life. Maybe he's gay and all of this is a cover up. I don't even understand. It hurts me more than anything in the world. I want to be with "him" so bad. I want to marry the Tony that was in love with me. The Tony that would honestly do anything for us, and not compromise our relationship for his benefit. I'm SOOO sick of this. I feel like I'm crying over our relationship more than I'm happy about it. Its not supposed to be like this.
I don't want to lose him though. He's my best friend, he's really like my everything. I wouldn't even know how to live my life with out him there. And that's the reason that I ENJOY spending time with him, but I guess I have come to realize that he doesn't really love spending time with me. It hurts so bad.
I don't know what's going to happy with my life.
-JRA
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