So I really do not want to write about this because I don't want to admit that it could and probably is true. I think I have anxiety. It all started in December when I came down with the stomach flu. It was gross and I got sick and what not and thought by the next morning that everything would be fine. I was also a little panicked because I had a HUGE report due in the morning and "didn't have time to be sick". So I made it to class and still felt really sick. I didn't get sick in public but I worried about it a lot.
For days after being sick all I could do when I was in public places was worry about getting sick. Constantly I would plan out what I would do if I were to have to get sick. I would scope out where bathrooms were and I would, in general, go crazy.
As finals came around and as all my project were due, it went away. I was so focused on getting everything done and getting home for winter break that I really didn't have much time to sit around and plan ways of running to the bathroom and discreetly hiding my sickness. So since I wasn't thinking about it, I thought I had gotten over whatever it was that was making me so nauseous for days. Since I wasn't I forgot about the whole ordeal and got over it.
Came home for winter break and for the most part everything was fine. About a week before I had to go back to Ann Arbor I started feeling sick again. I thought I was sick, I wasn't sure what was wrong with me because I didn't have a fever and felt find except I was extremely nauseous. And I had started to notice it was when was in a public place where getting sick would be inconvenient or embarrassing. As soon and I got home I felt perfectly fine. I really had no idea what was wrong with me. It happened as soon as I got in the car and lasted till I made it home feeling like I was going to puke the whole way and being nervous about puking and just really going crazy.
Classes started and my nausea didn't go away. I almost felt like I couldn't make it through my classes because I was going to get sick. I would try to block it out of my head but that just made it worse. I was constantly thinking about it and it wouldn't go away. It was becoming so bad that on the weekends I would not want to go shopping or go out with Tony because I was scared I was going to get sick. I couldn't even stay at the library to do homework, even when I was sitting at the computers next to the bathroom.
It was/is starting to take over my life. I cannot for the life of me break this horrible habit. I just want to be normal again. I have no idea what started this. I don't HATE puking like I'm not scared of it so I don't think it's a phobia or something. I honestly do not know why I feel like this all the time when I got in public. It gets worse when I know that I'm not going to have to be some place for a long time where it is impossible for me to get to a bathroom. Example: Last night I came home from Ann Arbor. It's only a 40 minute car ride, but it felt like the end of the world because I thought I was going to have to pull over the entire time to puke. It never happened and as soon as I pulled up to my parents house I felt 100 percent better. I think I need help.
I was searching on line last night desperately for some clues as to what is going on with me. I found this forum that described me to a T. I really felt like I had written the posts on there. Every single person had the exact same symptoms as me. And all of them had since been diagnosed with a case of anxiety. And a few had given extensive details about what they had done to "cure" themselves because they didn't want to go on some anti-anxiety meds.
So I have come to the conclusion that I have anxiety. I'm pretty sure that deep down its because I'm graduating this semester. I think that's why it has been progressively getting worse as graduation grows closer. I'm so nervous about starting my real life and having no idea what I'm going to do. Since I'm worrying about that 24/7 my brain has made efforts to take my mind off from that subject by making me sick. It makes me think about something else (WAY TOO MUCH!). I almost feel better knowing that I'm really sick. I was starting to think I could have some disease.
Many of the posts said that I need to start to do something that I can focus on. Something like training for a race, swimming a bunch of laps or something that will take my mind off from the events that "make me sick". Also when I start to get the feeling that I'm going to be anxious I need to take a deep breath and tell myself that there is nothing wrong and that I'm going to be perfectly fine and I'm not going to puke. This all in my head and I'm not going to go crazy over it.
I feel better for getting this out of me. Perhaps I can start to feel like a normal person again. I'm still worried to death about finding a job before graduation, but I've realized that the world is not going to end if I have to move home with my parents for a little bit before I can figure out what I'm going to do.
Thanks.
So I applied for graduation a few days ago. I'm getting all nervous already. I don't know what I am going to do after I graduate. I have NO idea. I don't know what kind of job I want. I have no idea where I want to live... I don't want to have to move home, but some days it really seems like that might be happening. I just wish I knew. I envy the people who know exactly what they are doing in a few short months. I just keep praying that some kind of job comes along for me. So at least that I can feel alright about.
So if you do not know me then I will inform you that I love technology. I also hate it. Technology, specifically electonics, causes me to do things that are stupid. I got an iPhone for my 21st birthday. It was part gift to myself and partly breaking the last tie my parents had over me. It made me grow up. So that was all great. I loved, and still love, this phone. However I tend to get bored easily with electronics so about a year after getting the "best" phone I was convinced that I needed a blackberry. I was in luck however because AT&T was running a deal on black Friday. If I updated my plan I could have a new blackberry for free. And that is exactly what I did
At first I loved that phone too. After a few months of using it I decided I still loved my iPhone. So this last weekend I switched back to my iPhone. I don't get it.
This event closly mirrors my life however. I am never content. As they say the grass is greener on the other side. And when I do get to that other side it seems like it's even greener where I came from. I hope I grow out of this soon. I can just imagine my future if it doesn't. I'll never be able to live some place for more than 2 years and I will surely have to lease cars because there is no way I could be happy with that one car.
I believe this is my new years resolution. Stop this behavior. Hopefully it is something I can quit. It's ruling my actions and I hate it
Oh expect more updates cause there's an app for that now. YES!!
- Posted using my iPhone JRA
