I've been feeling a lot better these days. But of course that is probably because I've been mostly a homebody and haven't ridden in a car for an extended amount of time. And when I start to feel anxiety coming on I have the power to stop it. But it's really a vicious cycle. Once I start to think about it not being there it shows up and when it shows up I try my hardest to pretend it's not there, and do something else with my mind. And then I start to think if it's there or not.. OMG CRAZY.... I haven't really thought about it all day today and today was GREAT! I think this might be getting better.
However I've come across a new problem. Insomnia. I honestly couldn't sleep if my life depended on it right now. I'm not sure what's keeping me up (other than my homework). Right now I have everything for tomorrow done and it's 2 am and I don't even feel like going to bed. 8 am is going to come VERY fast however. And then tomorrow is going to be a LONG day. I just can't win.
Life is good right now though. I got an email today from the EECS advising office (my old boss Catie works there now so it was from her, made me smile). The email told me that I have all my requirements in and I am allowed to graduate this term. I really thought that I would be super excited for this moment, I mean looking back at how I used to feel about graduation. However, it wasn't as exciting or happy as I had predicted and anticipated, it was actually scary. I didn't really know how to take the news. I KNEW they were going to tell me that, but some part of me never really wants to leave Michigan.
This is home. This is where I grew so much intellectually. I never thought I was going to be this smart(I honestly thought in my Sr. Yr of HS that I WAS AS SMART AS I COULD EVER BE..... how could I have been so STUPID!). And then again I never thought I could be this dumb either. I'm in a happy place right now. I feel confident about the education I have been receiving and confident about my skills as an engineer. However I am so scared to go out and use them because it's not in my comfort zone right now.
I guess times progresses no matter what. Time is certain when EVERY SINGLE thing in my life is not. I suppose I wouldn't want it any other way. However staying here a few more years wouldn't make me sad at all. Well i suppose taking classes would make me sad... I'm kind of burnt out on that. I guess graduation and moving forward is what I need.
So in conclusion, I'm excited to graduation. I'm excited to move on with my life. I'm scared to death too. I will miss Michigan and my beloved Ann Arbor more than I have ever thought that I was going to. I will miss my friends and my engineering buddies who I've spent countless hours complaining with and countless hours learning with. I will miss my instructors who are honestly the smartest people I have ever been around. I really can't think of something that I won't miss. So right now is a very, very, bittersweet time for me.
I'm pretty sure that's why I can't sleep. I don't want to miss any bit of this time I have left....
-JRA.
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