I miss having a lot of time for myself. I miss being able to do whatever I want and not worry about getting all my school work done or my GPA. Its sad. I really miss all of that. But I know I cannot go back to that life. This is my life now. My life of the University of Michigan. My life of long nights of homework and lonely weeks of my room, my desk and my brain. I am sick of racing for the right answer and not understand the process. I'm so sick of cramming for weeks for an exam only to get the class average of 10/30. I am sad that I'm not above average any more. I am just the same as everyone else. We are all smart, but not I'm not very smart compared to them. I'm just average(as my grades reflect).
I just can't wait for the day when I can feel above average again. I feel like the next time that will happen is when I get a decent job. But at that job I will probably still feel below average and feel stupid. So I believe that the next time I will feel above average and smart is when/if I attend my 5 year high school reunion. I will be able to tell everyone I have made it. I am an electrical engineer and I am smart and above the average stupid degrees they got. I'm an engineer.
But what if that doesn't happen. If that doesn't happen... well I'm just not going to think about that. It will happen... I will get a job. And I will be an Electrical Engineer(whatever that is) haha.
I'm still thinking about Wednesday night. Seeing Martin in that doorway. Does he have it better than me? Is he happy? I'm stressed. I'm confused about my future. I don't know what's going to happen in a year. He does. He knows that life is just like it's always been and why would he want to change it. Its easy he can go out on Wednesday nights and have a good time with his friends. Even tho people look at this group of people he surrounds himself with and thinks down on them, they are still happy. He doesn't care. He's happy. He's not stressed...
Yet I have to keep telling myself that my life will (someday) be happy, carefree, and better than his. I will be a better person and I will have the life I want right now. My life will be worth it and so much more appreciated. I have worked so much for this life and when I get it, I think I will appreciate it more.
I just have to keep telling myself this. I really do.
I just miss being young, and full of life and curiosity. I miss not having to worry about every aspect of my life. Money, bills, school, friends, family, life in general. I don't think I ever worried about that stuff when I was younger. I really don't. And I don't know when it started to happen. When did i start to worry about all this stuff? I don't know I can remember not worrying. Ugg.. I just have to keep my head above the surface. I really do.
Keep kicking....
Hi, So life has been.
I'm sick of schooling and so ready to move on and get a job and move. I'm done staying up late and doing homework and getting my ass kicked by the electrical engineering department at the University of Michigan. It makes me feel useless...
Tony asked me to marry him on November 1st 2008. It was sweet, we were in Borders after a whole day of him dragging me everywhere and then he just asked me there. It was super sweet and I'm SOOOO happy and excited for getting married and pretty much just spending the rest of my life with him. Honestly. He's perfect and I have known since 8th grade that the was going to be the boy that I will marry :-)
So right now I'm in sweet old Swartz Creek for Thanksgiving with the Fam and stuff. Last night Tony and I went out with Becca, Mal, Cade and some other people to the Loft in Flint. It was shaddy but where in Flint isn't shaddy. haha. So it was whatever. Sorta fun. Just as I was feeling good and happy and thinking "this place is alright" someone walks in.... Martin Wenn. I haven't seen him since McDonalds back in my Senior Year of High School. I really almost puked. Honestly I can't even explain to you how I felt. I was sorta excited but more mortified that our paths had crossed again. Last I knew he was in some other state working for the Carnival. (or in Jail). And there he was... standing in the doorway look at me. I don't think he really made eye contact with me because he said nothing and walked away. I went and found Tony and let him know he was there. Martin was standing behind me at this time ordering a drink. I heard his voice again... it was so weird I can't even explain it to you.
Martin was a defining point in my life. I felt like I grew up really fast when I met him. He was the real deal. Real life bad boy. Never in my life had I met someone who was like him. Bad and didn't care. And he was in love with me. It was very flattering and I wanted to make sure that I hooked him in for a while so that I could come to work everyday and be flattered. It was really a bad idea on my part because he soon became very stalkerish and weird. And then I left for college and figured I would never see him again.
I really had forgotten about him until last night happened. He walked in that room and high school flooded back to me. I felt young and weird. Very strange. I almost puked. I'm so glad he didn't notice me. I don't need that in my life. I don't know how I would have even reacted to him had he said something to me. I probably would have been an idiot. I'm so lame. But who cares how i would have acted in front of him. Honestly he's a low life loser. He looked SOOOO bad. It was weird because I'm sure he looked the same when I had a crush on him.. i'm sure he was the same person then as he is now, but... he looked SOOO horrible.
I guess it just made me realize a lot. I'm a whole different class as him. I'm above him... as bad as that sounds. I really am. I go to a very good engineering school, I'm pretty smart, I have a good future, I am engaged and very content with my "good girl" life. And then there's Martin, he has a very lengthly criminal record, he does drugs(I'm guessing), he looks like hell, and has no future a head of him and probably a nice set of STD's. Yet for some reason... there we were both in that club room that same night. Who would have thought.
I just feel so weird and old and very very excited about MY life and MY future. I guess I needed that. It made me want school and want to be better. It made me realize that my future is bright if I just keep pushing through this last year. Just a bit longer and I will be an electrical engineer. I will be the wife of Anthony William Simpson and I will be successful.
I needed that.
Yes, it has been almost 2 months since I have updated you with the happenings of my so called life. School has been back in session for almost a month. But lets start at the beginning.
August was a depressing month. Major Event: Tony and I broke up. Major Event 2: Tony asked me out. So I guess that it had been going on for a while. We were not getting along and I just felt bad about our relationship in general. It was scary and I didn't really want to do it anymore so I told him that. And we broke up. I was sooo messed up for that weekish. I honestly didn't feel like myself and had no idea what to do. I felt like I had no friends, I felt like I was lost, I felt like I was just going to give up on life and die. We talked and realized that breaking up was the last thing that either of us wanted. He asked me if I'd date him again and of course I said yes because I missed him more than I have ever missed him in my life. Even more than I missed him when I first started college.
Every since then we have been fine and I can currently say that our relationship is better now than it has been in years. :) And I'm SUPER happy about that. I love him a lot. And really I cannot wait to marry him. Like for real. I realize I have to wait till I graduate from college because my parents would like die if i got married now. But whatever, I want to... cept I don't want them to be mad at me. So many people have gotten married... and I am so envious of them. SOON tho, i keep telling myself SOON. And plus what's being married going to change things. I mean Tony and I wouldn't see each other any more than we do now with him working in Flint and me living down here in Ann Arbor. So I guess I'm fine waiting. Plus School and being Married might stress me out a lot.
I got the keys to my apartment here in Ann Arbor on August 18th. Tony and I came down and moved some stuff in. It was fun. Very nice to get back to A2 and all. My apartment is sweet. I have my own room and its so nice. Olga and I are going to have an awesome year.. and so far its been pretty cool.
I moved permanently to Ann Arbor August 31st. It was the first year Tony wasn't able to come help me move in. Very weird feeling and I missed him a lot. The first few weeks of us seeing each other once a week were hard and stressful. But now that school has picked up and we've gotten into a pattern things are working wonderfully.
gEECS has been hard and a big part of my life these past few weeks. The Career Fair and the Recruitment Dinner went nicely tho. Got to talk to a bunch of Top Name EECS Companies. I really want to work for Microsoft... or at least intern for them. But they hardly ever hire EE interns so my hopes were kind of diminished with that information. I did however apply to an internship here in Ann Arbor for the Plant Operations of the University. Should be pretty sweet if i get it. I'd get to stay here and it'd be sweet. :)
School is super difficult. I suppose taking 18 credits has really made this semester hard. But it will be worth it when I only have to take 12 my senior year. :) So i just have to make it thru this. EECS 401 is proving to be very very hard. Probability doesn't seem like it should be hard but for some reason it just doesn't click in my head. Other than that my classes are going well and i enjoy them.
I am going home for the first time on Oct 3rd. I'm excited cept I'll be home alone all weekend. I have to watch the dogs. :)
My 21st birthday was cool. Tony and I hung out the whole day. I got an iphone and my own cell phone contract. I am feeling more and more like an adult. :(
I suppose i don't have anything else to talk about.
I'll up date again when I'm stressed and need a break from my demanding homework.
-JRA
