So I'm feeling a ton better. Tony and I are having a much better time in our relationship. It's so good. We've been talking more and just have better communication and just overall our relationship has been so much more enjoyable to have. I love it. And I just feel so much better. Its really amazing. I don't feel so crappy and lame all the time. It's great.
Right now I am at home hanging out with the family. Today my mom, Ryann, Pam and I all went to see the movie Julie and Julia. It was so cute and made me want to be a more successful blogger. Some day, some day I will be more committed to my blogging and some day I will be a better writer. But until that day comes, you will just have to edure my horrid skills in the world of blogging and probably my even worse english/spelling/grammer skills. I appologize.
Tomorrow I don't have any MAJOR plans, however I do plan on going to a Goodwill with my mom to see if I can find anything to decorate my apartment. I just feel like my apartment is really bland and boring. So I need to spice things up a bit, make it a place that I feel good to walk into. Not another apartment like last year when I dreaded going home because 1) my crazy roommate, and 2) because the place was constantly messy and just soooo boring looking. So that's my plan for tomorrow.
I suppose I am going to go hang out, watch TV, and do whatever else I feel like doing.
I miss Tony right now cause he's working, but I'm not feeling rejected or down or like he wants me out of his life. I just feel like o well, he's at work and he will be out of work soon.
I will write later.
-JRA
I need to stop over analyzing everything. So we fought, so he likes to do things besides spend every waking minute with me, so we have differences... its probably supposed to be like this. I've been much too clingy lately and I need to lay off. I'm sick of me always causing the fights we get in. In reality I'm sick of myself. The only person that can change me is me, so I'm done. Now I am doing things that make me happy and that doesn't HAVE to include doing things 24/7 and occupying myself. I used to be so much simpler, I used to find joy in just reading a book, or writing a short story. I need to do that again. Or I need to find something else that sparks my interest, like my research project. I really need to focus on that.
We talked, we were scared. With this 4th and final year of college coming up we have started to really hone in on OUR future and how we fight into that together. It is a very scary topic. I don't know what's going to happen with my job placement or where I'm gonna be come this time next year, but I DO know that my relationship with Tony is important and in most cases more important than some stupid job. I mean I really don't have any idea what i want to do, so whatever job i can get will most likely be something that I will enjoy, plus its just a job. So whatever I need to do to keep the love of my life with me, I will do. So I'm currently praying for a job here in Michigan. I know I've said that 'we' want to move to California, but really I don't think either of us really wanted to, we just said that because we thought the other wanted to. Our communication link was not really a link these past few months. So we are reopening that road! :)
That makes me feel better
Thanks
-JRA
Its getting worse. Honestly worse. He's taking MORE shifts this weekend. I know exactly why he's doing this too. Partly because he doesn't want to come down to Ann Arbor to see me, but MOSTLY because he wants to buy a fucking 1000$ handgun for his birthday. He lies too. He always says that he's working extra hours for "us", but I can see right through his fucking lies. He's just working extra so that he can buy himself some stupid gun that I doubt that he'll ever use. He'll buy it just have like all of his other useless guns. He's so childish. I'm so am done being engaged with a child. Its ridiculous. I need someone that can actually "provide" for me. That actually CARES about furthering our relationship.
Sometimes I don't even understand why Tony asked me to marry him, because most of the time I don't even feel like he WANTS to marry me. He would rather work his life away and buy useless things to some how fill some void in his life. Maybe he's gay and all of this is a cover up. I don't even understand. It hurts me more than anything in the world. I want to be with "him" so bad. I want to marry the Tony that was in love with me. The Tony that would honestly do anything for us, and not compromise our relationship for his benefit. I'm SOOO sick of this. I feel like I'm crying over our relationship more than I'm happy about it. Its not supposed to be like this.
I don't want to lose him though. He's my best friend, he's really like my everything. I wouldn't even know how to live my life with out him there. And that's the reason that I ENJOY spending time with him, but I guess I have come to realize that he doesn't really love spending time with me. It hurts so bad.
I don't know what's going to happy with my life.
-JRA
